Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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