The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.