i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
two words...techno handjob
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"