If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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