I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she pinky promised me she was 18
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.