Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
what is it with giant penises always finding me
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund