yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
