They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.