He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.