Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
are you so shy because you have an std?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
handjob tips. give me some.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
barbara walters just said penis...