i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course