he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i would punch a child for taco bell
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she told me i tasted like america
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.