The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
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I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
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Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.