so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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