Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
reminds me of losing my job
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
sarcasm needs its own font