The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?