i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he shaved USA in his pubs