Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.