Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
