My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.