I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.