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you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i dont even know how to be here
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
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