She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Boobs speak an international language.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I need a burrito and a hug.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass