I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.