Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor