Texts From Last Night

no2dice2for2you's Favorites Texts:

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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.

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  (508): Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now. http://tfl.nu/sqxt
  Replies (4) Good night (2076) Bad night (1114) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him

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  (256): There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him http://tfl.nu/3qir
  Replies (17) Good night (3416) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
  Replies (53) Good night (20592) Bad night (994) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.

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  (704): I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home. http://tfl.nu/daw2
  Replies (5) Good night (667) Bad night (2072) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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  (315): i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over. http://tfl.nu/n0ys
  Replies (14) Good night (8077) Bad night (825)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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  (704): they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming. http://tfl.nu/eg1m
  Replies (6) Good night (3754) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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  (432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr
  Replies (19) Good night (8865) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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  (248): She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot. http://tfl.nu/w0w1
  Replies (36) Good night (4741) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
  Replies (49) Good night (14396) Bad night (3326) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
  Replies (116) Good night (37594) Bad night (1301) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.

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  (206): dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement. http://tfl.nu/2u7j
  Replies (29) Good night (2336) Bad night (4529) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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  (562): In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for... http://tfl.nu/hz7t
  Replies (23) Good night (6207) Bad night (999) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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  (972): You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.' http://tfl.nu/1grt
  Replies (22) Good night (1955) Bad night (4195) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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  (210): every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY http://tfl.nu/204o
  Replies (19) Good night (6272) Bad night (734) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...

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  (617): ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day... http://tfl.nu/iy3f
  Replies (13) Good night (825) Bad night (4325) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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  (205): Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high. http://tfl.nu/wyb4
  Replies (15) Good night (4730) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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  (973): Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again. http://tfl.nu/gz8q
  Replies (21) Good night (1122) Bad night (5925) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?

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  (780): Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top? http://tfl.nu/gcls
  Replies (47) Good night (1094) Bad night (6535) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  actually, i try not to think about it

  (802): View more from Vermont

  and i pooped them out

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  (802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it (802): and i pooped them out http://tfl.nu/h4ew
  Replies (53) Good night (7473) Bad night (1422)
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  (805): View more from California

  we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

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  (805): we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend http://tfl.nu/2gsx
  Replies (74) Good night (2844) Bad night (9591) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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  (920): So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again. http://tfl.nu/54yy
  Replies (18) Good night (1626) Bad night (5871) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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  (210): she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate? http://tfl.nu/d0z4
  Replies (19) Good night (4344) Bad night (2009) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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  (209): I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him. http://tfl.nu/e78z
  Replies (25) Good night (7317) Bad night (686) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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  (734): A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country. http://tfl.nu/okwk
  Replies (84) Good night (12209) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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  (404): i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay http://tfl.nu/pvcx
  Replies (16) Good night (4740) Bad night (3079)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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  (205): I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face. http://tfl.nu/ce47
  Replies (74) Good night (1905) Bad night (8512) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed

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  (205): I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed http://tfl.nu/lr4z
  Replies (18) Good night (1837) Bad night (3698) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

  (1-931): View more from Tennessee

  Wtf? What happened?

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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  (931): Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other. (1-931): Wtf? What happened? (931): Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home. http://tfl.nu/q0zo
  Replies (41) Good night (16674) Bad night (662)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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  (214): Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse. http://tfl.nu/4gmt
  Replies (35) Good night (9634) Bad night (2806) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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  (402): I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song. http://tfl.nu/3qmr
  Replies (14) Good night (5738) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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  (501): He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice. http://tfl.nu/qyuj
  Replies (7) Good night (5730) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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  (618): So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in. http://tfl.nu/s63a
  Replies (39) Good night (3881) Bad night (5006) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.

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  (518): im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine. http://tfl.nu/cj5c
  Replies (14) Good night (4348) Bad night (993) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  3some

  (541): View more from Oregon

  You're right, stupid question.

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  (541): What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms? (503): 3some (541): You're right, stupid question. http://tfl.nu/lx7x
  Replies (21) Good night (9755) Bad night (797)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
  Replies (199) Good night (82971) Bad night (6405)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (434) Good night (107955) Bad night (8845) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
  Replies (37) Good night (17758) Bad night (807) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (117) Good night (25289) Bad night (3897) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
  Replies (21) Good night (10339) Bad night (854)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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  (847): I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note. http://tfl.nu/4rpl
  Replies (47) Good night (13184) Bad night (1007)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.

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  (410): I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time. http://tfl.nu/uvgg
  Replies (14) Good night (5091) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Why am I in a dog kennel?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  It was for your own safety

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  (803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni
  Replies (27) Good night (12291) Bad night (1080) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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  (856): part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty. http://tfl.nu/jt5n
  Replies (7) Good night (5674) Bad night (936) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
  Replies (60) Good night (25206) Bad night (829)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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  (484): I am the drunkest girl in the tree. http://tfl.nu/zje1
  Replies (15) Good night (9857) Bad night (734) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

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  (832): I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style. http://tfl.nu/zqa3
  Replies (8) Good night (4928) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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  (208): this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin" http://tfl.nu/odvv
  Replies (16) Good night (7273) Bad night (669)
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  (530): View more from California

  I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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  (530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e
  Replies (45) Good night (18054) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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  (715): We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later http://tfl.nu/4xtv
  Replies (11) Good night (4548) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.

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  (256): Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay. http://tfl.nu/5ucl
  Replies (27) Good night (1124) Bad night (4578) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You make your fellow Jews happy.

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  (412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more. (1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. http://tfl.nu/gpio
  Replies (16) Good night (5926) Bad night (697)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.

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  (604): mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday. http://tfl.nu/2gms
  Replies (7) Good night (690) Bad night (4307) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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  (801): He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face. http://tfl.nu/vz1o
  Replies (79) Good night (8084) Bad night (2378) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"

  (205): View more from Alabama

  pick me up NOW

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  (205): they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve" (205): pick me up NOW http://tfl.nu/weqr
  Replies (17) Good night (908) Bad night (4379)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed

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  (617): i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed http://tfl.nu/c1fn
  Replies (7) Good night (4370) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
  Replies (30) Good night (18889) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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  (440): he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life. http://tfl.nu/ggva
  Replies (14) Good night (8152) Bad night (723)
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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  (219): I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives. http://tfl.nu/v9m4
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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  (617): i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no. http://tfl.nu/n7ti
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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  (303): Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever. http://tfl.nu/ckan
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.

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  (910): And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship. http://tfl.nu/btcq
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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  (423): my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg http://tfl.nu/cjr9
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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  (859): he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in? http://tfl.nu/0531
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.

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  (240): just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass. http://tfl.nu/1b7s
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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  (440): Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana. http://tfl.nu/g8b3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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  (214): decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!? http://tfl.nu/ozc5
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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  (262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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  (608): Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her. http://tfl.nu/6qpw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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  (850): Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave http://tfl.nu/oh8m
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