his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Be still, my beating vagina.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.