Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor