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I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
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