I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
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Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.