What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.