no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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