This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.