and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Houston, we have a blender
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.