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he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
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