i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
