i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
