my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love