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Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Life is so much better after having sex.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
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