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what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
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