i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!