ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward