awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dating After Heartbreak
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section