i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.