There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
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I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
No subtext here. People are naked.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section