He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'm home, then i'll come over
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You can't motorboat a personality
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.