Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar