oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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