You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.