Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
birth control should be required to get into college
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.