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They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
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