He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.